"This is going to be hard, maybe the hardest thing you have ever done…"

A little blurp from my text conversation with my brother last night.  Weigh in didn't go so great.  I keep losing and gaining the same five pounds.  I'm back up to nearly my starting weight.  I'm really frustrated.  I'm doing everything that I've been told and quite frankly I feel like I'm working my ass off. I know I didn't gain this weight over night and I'm not going to lose it overnight, but this back and forth is very discouraging.  I know in the end it is worth the struggle, however I am losing my patience.  

Humans of the Gym

I'm happy to report that after a little derailment last week, I'm back on track and feeling pretty damn good about it!  Allow me to introduce you to the Power Plate:

Have you ever seen or used one of these things?  If not, you need to find one.  They are awesome.  I have noticed that the gym has a couple of these things, but stayed as far away from them as possible because they look like a very sneaky, sophisticated scale.  I wanted NOTHING to do with another scale.  The one in the locker room is terrifying enough.  So the claim is that using vibration it helps strengthen muscles and according to one of the trainers it's supposed to help with stretching, too.  Apparently, the vibration is supposed to accelerate your workout.  Something to do with Newton's three laws of motion where force on an object is a function of it's mass and acceleration:  F= M x A.  I didn't last long in physics.  Truth be told, I dropped the class and decided to take Advanced Studies with Mrs. Means instead.  So that could all be totally true, but I don't know.  What I do know is that if your legs are sore and you lay down on the floor with your legs on the platform and turn it on high you get a great massage.  That is how I use it.  I lay on the floor and let it massage my legs.  Other people do squats and stuff.  I'm not really interested in that.  I'll just lay there.  I think they are an update to those machines that had the big belt thing that went around your butt and just shook your whole body. Ya know, these things:

I met with Judy, my trainer again on Saturday.  This was our second meeting.  I feel a little better about her knowledge base.  I do think that she needs to work on her listening skills a little more, but then again, so do most New Jersey natives.  We focused on flexibility.  My hip flexors have some problems in that I don't think they have any elasticity to them at all.  She gave me some easy to do, but challenging exercises to try to loosen them, and the rest of my hip/butt/thigh region.  It's a 20 minute routine that will be a good start to the morning.  I'm pretty sore from them yesterday.  It incorporates some core work as well and gets my heart rate up without being too intense.  We will see how it goes to fire me up in the morning.

I went to the gym this afternoon.  After I was done showering and was getting dressed, a little girl who was in there with her mom was nice enough to point out that my "boobs are bigger than her mom's and my tummy has stripes, too!"  She was probably 4.  Her mom was mortified, but I thought it was kind of hilarious.  At least my boobs are bigger, right?  Anyway, it made me think of a conversation I had with my friend Jen about stretch marks.  She made a good point, that some people have kids to show for their stretch marks, for the rest of us, we just have to go through puberty.  The kid was right, I do have "stripes".  I have had them since middle school.  Fuckin' stretch marks.  I dislike my stripes.  Very much.

The little girl's mom is one of the lululemon ladies.  They are an interesting group of women I have come to know at the gym. The Lululemon ladies, as I like to refer to them, are very fit women who don't ever seem to be exercising while they are at the gym.  They arrive at the gym in a Range Rover, walk around in large groups, and chat.   Some even drink coffee while they walk around.  They compliment each others outfits and can be overheard asking questions like, "did you get that at the lulu in Summitt?  Really?  You went to the lulu in the city?  You're so lucky.  I can never get to the city.  I'm just so busy."  They are annoying.  Not because they wear lululemon apparel, but because that is all they talk about.  I love lululemon clothing, too, it just doesn't come in my size or I would totally wear it.  Maybe someday, if things go well, I can be a lululemon lady.  Probably not.

This gym also seems to have a larger than normal group of selfie enthusiasts.  Why do you need to take pictures while you're working out?  I don't get it.  At first, when I met selfie girl (I mention her in my Full Week One post) I thought she was probably the only one.  Nope.  Not even close.  There even seem to be more men than women in this category.  If I EVER post any workout selflies, please punch me in the face with a 10 lb dumbbell.

The Grunting Meat Heads are another group.  We all know who they are.  They are loud, always drinking a protein shake, and drop things.  They tend to travel in groups of two or more.  They scare me, not because they are scary people, but because I tend to listen to my music a little loud and every now and again I hear one of their caveman roars and I think that someone has really hurt themselves.  It startles the crap out of me.

And last, but certainly not least, my favorite group: The Cardio Dancers.  You might think I am referring to someone in Zumba.  Well, I'm not.  I'm talking about the ladies (haven't seen any men yet) that are getting down on the treadmill and ellipticals.  I can't look away.  They absolutely crack me up.  I love their enthusiasm, not to mention their coordination.  Remember the Ok Go video for "Here It Goes Again"?  It's kinda like that.  A little less choreography.  Click here if you haven't seen the video. It's a real treat!

So that pretty much sums up my weekend.  I'm on track to finish my first full month 6 pounds under my starting weigh.  I little less than I had hoped to lose, but it's steady.  We shall see on Tuesday!  Have a great week.  Thanks for stopping by.  I love the comments :)

Arms up!

The roller coaster ride continues!  So today I missed my official weigh in because of work and icy weather, but according to my house scale I am back up 2 pounds.  Still down overall, but up from last week.  So frustrating, but absolutely my fault because I was super lazy this weekend (damn you season 3 of House of Cards) and I ate like crap from the end of last week through today.  My last couple workouts were totally half ass.  It was a stressful end to the week/weekend and beginning to the this week.  One of my coworkers passed away very unexpectedly.  Very sad.  She was only in her mid-40's, two young kids, husband.  Just awful.  I only had the chance to work with her for the past year, but many of my coworkers had worked with her for nearly 20 years.  It was sad to begin with, but then to watch all of them lose a close friend made it so much worse.  It has been a tough couple days for everyone at work.  I just felt kinda down in the dumps about it and had trouble getting myself moving, so I really just didn't move much.  

"Emotional" eating has always been a struggle.  This past weekend is just an example of that.  This is probably one of the biggest challenges for me.  I'm hoping that I didn't do more damage than just the two pounds.   I know one day doesn't make or break things, but I'm definitely kicking myself because I had been doing really well.  But then again, that's life, right?  Learning to balance the good and the bad and hope for more good than bad.  

The dietician has been a great move.  I have put some things back into my diet that I had to kick out for the detox, like eggs and a little dairy.  I'm still trying to keep the dairy to a minimum.  After having cut it out, whenever I do eat it, it feels like I've eaten something very heavy.  So I guess less is better with that.  I've also kinda kicked the protein shakes out unless I am absolutely crunched for time.  Solid food, even in a smaller portion, is just more satisfying.  More mental stuff to get over, I assume.  I have found that now that I'm "allowed" to have a little of the things I love, I'm not craving them much at all.  Today, I had to do a training class off site that required catering. Bagels for breakfast, pasta and salads for lunch. Hello Carbs!!!  I had half a bagel for breakfast and was satisfied.  I had a little bit of trail mix as well.  Lunch was a little tougher.  I had a big portion of salad without the dressing and only about a fistful of the pasta.  It was very doable.  I did overindulge a little with dessert, but that monster sized rice crispy treat was AWESOME!  I probably should have been a little more realistic and only had 1/3 of it, but it was so good!  

So things that have helped and worked this week are:

*  Ezekiel Bread.  I love bread.  This on makes me feel less guilty.  6 grams of protein makes it more satisfying that just plain bread.  

*  Lots of water.

*  Plenty of sleep.  I have been sleeping much better and through the night without waking up three or four times.  I've been trying to "power down" everything by 9:00 and head to my room.  No more falling asleep to a TV show.  Now I am asleep within 20 minutes of going to bed instead of tossing and turning for two hours.  

*  Keeping caffeine to a minimum.  This has been tough, but I feel a lot better in the morning when I first wake up. I assume because I am sleeping better.  I had a cup of coffee last week for the first time and when you haven't had it for 3 weeks it REALLY works!  Lol!  I'm going to try to reserve it for emergencies.

Things I'm going to try this week:

*  Working green tea into the plan.  One of my friends swears by it and the caffeine is lower.  

*  Plan better.  Another friend of mine gave me some advice from a book she's been reading about will power.  The idea is we only have so much will power and that is why sometimes we don't follow through with things later in the day.  That said, I'm going to try to do a couple morning workouts.  I just hate getting up so early, but if it means that I'll get the job done, I guess I'll at least give it a try.  

So, I am really hoping that this week is my last week of creeping back up with the pounds.  I've been gradually adding more to the workouts, whether it be weight or duration with cardio.  I'm feeling pretty good, not as good as I have in the past, but that should come with more time and effort.  Thanks again for checking in on me.  More soon...

Looking up

After a very frustrating week since my last post, my mood is better.  Still not great, but definitely improved.  I have lost 5.8 pounds.  I'd like to just round it up to 6, but I'm working on being honest with myself.  That was a much needed positive after the last couple weeks of really struggling with the process.  Yes, I know.  I am impatient.  Some things do not change.

I met with my trainer on Saturday.  I must say, I'm not overly impressed.  The session basically consisted of her telling me to use about 10 different weight machines.  I don't really feel like I need to pay for that.  I was hoping for a more personalized approach.  I've been following the routine: cardio for an hour every day, weight routine 3 days a week on top of it.  I feel a little better.  Stairs don't kill me until the 3rd flight now vs. the 1st on flght.  My arms are sore as hell, but hopefully in time they will jiggle less.  :)  I'm going to give the trainer another week and see how I feel.  

I had my first appointment with my dietician yesterday.  That was a positive visit.  I was sure she was going to rip apart my diet, but she concluded that it "looked pretty good overall''.  That was a much better report than I expected!  I also expected her to put some pretty strict restrictions on me as far as calorie intake, "can haves", and "can't haves", etc.  That wasn't the case.  She is more focused on getting me to a point where I am figuring out  why I'm making that choice.  So I am going to have to do a little more thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth, but the main focus is making as many healthy choices as I can while still allowing some indulgences.  Also portion control and slowing down are a priority.  I think I need to dust off my copy of Eating Mindfully and reread it.  A friend recommended it to me the last time I tried all this.  I think I could use a refresher.

One of my favorite things she said was that she doesn't really believe in supplements.  This differs greatly from the philosophy of the gym.  They have their own line of supplements so I am sure that has a lot to do with it.  She thinks the shakes are a good substitute if I'm not really feeling hungry, but haven't had anything to eat in more than 4 hours, but other than that she prefers actual food!  ACTUAL FOOD!!  Music to my ears!  She gave me a few suggestions to try for meals, snacks, etc.  It's kind of funny, but I feel like now that I have permission to have what I want, I don't really feel the nagging "I have to have this" urge to eat junk.  I know it's only been a couple days, but I think it helps to hear a professional say "it's ok".  I think I still have a lot of psychological work today with the diet aspect of things.  I think I am my own worst enemy in that department.

I'm still doing good with the no caffeine thing, which is really surprising to me.  I'm going to try to keep soda out of my diet.  There really isn't anything good for me in it.  I must say I do feel better with this diet.  My heartburn/acid reflux has only bothered me one night in the last three weeks.  I can't remember the last time I went that long without waking up to eat a handful of Tums.  I am sleeping much better.  Mornings still suck without my coffee.  I might work that back in to the equation for the mornings as needed.  Luckily, my schedule is pretty flexible at work so morning usually don't have to start for me until 7:00 or 7:30 depending on my travel that day.

So the good news is that the work seems to be paying off.  Hopefully things keep moving in this direction.  

Negatives

So I have kind of a crap attitude today.  On Sunday I had lost 4 pounds.  I was pretty fired up about that.  Well, today I got to my weigh in and 2.6 of those pounds had reappeared.  I was pissed.  Trying to be positive because there is a deficit, I just liked the one on Sunday much more.  So I'm officially down 1.4 lbs.  They say 1-2 lbs per week is a healthy weight loss.  I still liked 4 much better.  Especially since I have been doing this detox thing.  Which brings me to my next gripe…

One of the most frustrating things for me with these little adventures I go on is the different perspectives from the pros.  Now, don't confuse what I'm saying and think I don't want your advice and encouragement because I DO and I NEED IT.  I met with the woman who will be my trainer once a week for the next 5 weeks.  No workout, just a chat to find out what I'm looking for.  Basically, she told me so far I've gone about this wrong; the detox, the workouts I've been doing, I'm not working out at the right time during the day, I'm exercising in zones too high, etc.  It's frustrating because I was following another trainers advice for what I have been doing so far.  I guess I was giving myself a little too much credit.  I felt pretty good about the 60+ miles I logged on that boring bike.  She wants me on a treadmill.  I want me on a treadmill.  I would love to be able to just run, but the problem is it hurts like hell.  I have plantar faciitis in both of my feet.   It is extremely painful and if I irritate it too much I can't walk on it.  In mornings it already is miserable.  If you have ever had this, you will sympathize.  IT SUCKS.  I want to do everything in my power to avoid injury so I can keep this up.  I feel like she wasn't listening.  I'm paying her to listen.  Speaking of paying…

I love my gym.  I think Lifetime Fitness is one of the best facilities out there.  That comes at a price.  $140/month to be exact.  Not cheap.  My trainer didn't think I had made a serious enough investment in the personal training program.  I almost puked.  I asked if she did pro bono work.  She didn't think it was funny. I explained this is all I got.  I'd love to have a full time trainer, but it isn't in my budget.  I have to work for a living so I can't work out every day at the same time.  I can do five 30 minute sessions.  That's it.  I need her to give me "homework" every time we meet that I can do during the week, meet up the next week and reassess.  I know it's their business and how they make money.  But I make money when people finance & lease Toyota's and I certainly didn't try to sell her one.

--End of rant about the cost of this--

On a positive note, my insurance company approved me for a dietician at a regular copay for 26 sessions per year, 10 of which are dietary planning meetings.  I was pretty happy about that.  Now comes the challenge of finding one in my area that is approved and taking new patients.  I plan to spend at least and hour on hold tomorrow trying to sort that out!  Wish me luck!  :)  So I'll check back in next week.  Hoping for a little more progress on the next post.  I know it's only been a week, but I'm impatient.  

Full Week One

Yes. That is a picture of Fritz on a scale.  He sits there every time he is in the bathroom.  I thought it was kind of adorable.

I survived the work lunch.  I had a huge plate of salad, one meatball, and a little bit of penne vodka.  I thought it would be better to have a few bites of the bad stuff, instead of having a meltdown later that day and eating an entire bowl of it.  Yep.  I’ve done that before.  Skipped the actual lunch and then had a private pig out all by myself later that was so much worse.  Just a salad and a shake for dinner that night and I went to bed without feeling like I completely failed. 

I think I have pinpointed where my bad eating habits started.  I’m going to blame it on working in restaurants for 17 years.  I loved my jobs waiting tables and tending bar, but the problem is you don’t have time to really take a break and eat like anything but a barbarian.  You would have about 5 minutes to stuff as much as you could in your face and then run back out and grab the next table or customer.  On a Saturday with a 12-hour shift, you might get to go pee twice that day and smoke a cigarette.  I still eat too fast, like someone is going to take it away from me if I don’t inhale it quickly, especially if I’m on the road.  I know, it’s all very ladylike.  I make a great dinner date.  So I’m trying to make sure that meals now are at a table and that I’m not doing anything else at that time.  It’s a hard habit to break, but I think slowing down will help a lot.  I have noticed that I feel satisfied much sooner, whereas before I just felt an overwhelming fullness because I went too fast. 

Week one of the detox went surprisingly well, all things considered.  The D.tox (I need to add that this is how it is spelled on the box, I do actually know how to spell the word) plan was easier to stick with then I anticipated.  Only one more week of that, thank God.  My appetite is adjusting to the smaller portions and the more frequent meals.  I only had one real fail this week.  It was a long work day and I forgot my lunch on the counter and ended up eating a gas station deli sandwich.  Almost every single thing on the sandwich is on the do not eat list: bread, mayo, processed meat, cheese.  I guess if I’m going to screw up I might as well go all in.  Right?  I have learned that it doesn’t take your body long to adjust to “good food”.  The repercussions of that sandwich are enough to keep me away from the Wawa deli for quite sometime.  I’ll spare you the details.  The hardest part is still the no caffeine.  I had hoped after a week I would have adjusted, but no such luck.  Mornings are brutal.  Green tea just doesn’t do it for me.  I’m good without my diet coke, but I’d love to have a cup of coffee.  The headaches are killing me. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know.

I have been having weird dreams.  The weirdest of which starred Jeremy Piven as my personal trainer.  I fell asleep watching the movie PCU.  If you’ve seen the movie, you know his character is a little obnoxious.  Well, imagine a dream in which that was your coach.  It was bizarre.  The last time I tried a workout plan I had dreams that always included me running.  I think that was more motivating than Jeremy Piven as a personal trainer.

Tomorrow is another weigh in.  I’m a little nervous.  I’ve weighed myself frequently, but I’ll wait for the official number before making an announcement.  Instead, I’ll share some lists.  I like lists.

Things that worked:

*  A tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder really helps with the taste of the non-dairy protein powder and almond milk.

*  Lots and Lots of H20.  I’m drinking about 4 liters a day.  Probably more than I need, but it helps me feel full.

*  Dried Fruit and Trail Mix for the car.  Bear Naked makes a good one that has dried apples, cranberries, almonds, and oat clusters that is really good. 

*  A great playlist including Wu-Tang Clan,  Foo Fighters, ZZ Ward, Kendrick Lamar, and Kanye is very helpful.  Kanye is a jerk, but I love his music.

*  Prepackaged Salads from Trader Joes are a quick lunch.  There are a few things I have to pick around that I can’t have.  The Chinese Chicken Salad and the Seeds & Greens Salad are my favorites so far.

*  Mio to flavor my water.  Target has a store brand that is a watermelon/strawberry flavor that is quite nice.

*  Sparkling water/Club Soda.  I love bubbles.

*  An earlier bedtime. 

Things that Didn’t work:

*  Facebook and Pinterest and TV.  I have never noticed before how many pictures of food there are on Facebook.  Pinterest I should have known better than to even log into, but Facebook is killing me.  If you are sharing recipes with pictures, I just have to assume you are trying to kill me.  Also, the Four Course Festa Italiana that is going on at the Olive Garden right now sounds delicious.  Those commercials just need to stop.

*  Slow Burn Yoga didn’t go well.  I like yoga, but this class was just ridiculous.  The instructor insisted we keep our eyes closed the whole time and then only used the Sanskrit words for everything.  I don’t speak Sanskrit and he scolded me every time I opened my eyes to see what the hell was going on.  Not to mention I kept bumping into my neighbor, whom might I add was kind of a show off.

*  Working out at the same time as “selfie girl”.  Selfie Girl is a 20-something who is in great shape and spends more time taking pictures of herself than she does exercising.  She is annoying. 

I’ll put up a short post tomorrow and let you know how the weigh in goes.  Thanks for following along and for all the encouragement.  I really appreciate all the encouragement.  Please keep it coming.

Love,

Hilaree

D.Tox- Day One

Diets are the hardest things ever for me.  I hate them.  I like healthy food, I really do.  It's just that I like that food with pizza, noodles (the more the merrier), and sauce.  Lots and lots of sugary, carb loaded sauce.  And bread- I love me some bread.  Bring on the gluten.  I think that stuff is pretty awesome, too.

I bought this D.Tox kit and meal plan through the gym and started it today.  To put it simply, it's a couple shakes per day + 3 smaller meals that are "clean".  Mostly just fruit, veggies, lean organic chicken, fish, or turkey.  Since there is actually real food involved I thought I could survive two weeks of this and get myself on track.  The hardest part is no dairy is allowed and also no eggs.  Oh yeah, and NO CAFFEINE!  I didn't realize quite  how much those things I included in my mornings.  I had been tapering off caffeine for a couple weeks trying to get ready for this.  I was down to 1 diet coke every other day.  I had my last one on Saturday.  It was a tough morning.  I was more than a little bit cranky.  According to my mother, I was always a happy person in the morning growing up.  I'm not sure when that changed, but for as long as I can remember I have not been pleasant before 10:00 a.m.  Luckily, the weather here has been absolute shit the past 3 Mondays, including today, so our office had a delayed opening due to the weather.  I think the weather gods knew something was up with me and thought it best to spare all my coworkers the first 3 hours of my consciousness this morning.  It was painful.  Literally.  I have never wanted coffee so bad before in my life.  The good news is I survived and it isn't even 10:00p.m. and I'm barely able to stay awake. I should sleep well.  

Also, I survived the dreaded first workout.  Cycling for 45 minutes, Rowing machine (a.k.a. medieval torture device) for 10 minutes - don't judge, it's been a while - and 3 sets of 15 kettle bell swings.  It's just a matter of time before I launch one of those through a mirror.  They are dangerous! 

Tomorrow is going to be really hard.  It is going to be the first dose of reality as far as the diet thing goes.  We have a catered lunch at the office from one of our dealerships.  This is where work totally ruins me.  Always food, visitors, and entertaining.  Since it is one of my stores, I have to be there.  I'm going to pack a lunch and do my best to resist the temptation.  It's Italian food.  I fucking love Italian food.  The only thing that will really help is that I have my first weigh in tomorrow for the contest.  Please send willpower!  Lots of it.

More updates soon,

Hilaree

Third Time's A Charm

Well, hello there.  Remember me?  It's been almost 2 years since I logged into the good ol' blog.  What brings me back you ask?  Well, I'm gonna tell ya…

I got stuck in a bridesmaid dress.  Yep, you read that right.  I went to try on bridesmaid dresses for my brother's wedding and the "sample" dresses were all something like a size 4.  I took one look at them and the lady helping us and thought, you have got to be fucking kidding me.  She was sure we could just clip them shut.  Ok bridal shop lady.  I'll play along. I thought I'd at least be able to get it on.  No such luck.  I got it over my head.  When it came to getting my arms through the straps I encountered a problem.  I was stuck.  I had to have my mom come in and help pull that damn thing on.  There was a very real possibility that we were going to have to cut me out of the dress or it was going to be ripped to shreds in the style of an Incredible Hulk transformation.  Except instead of turning green I would be red with embarrassment.  I have never been more humiliated in my life.

So that night i logged into my Lifetime Fitness account and signed up for the commitment day 5k that was held at my club on New Years Day.  I skipped out on the invite I received for a NYE party and went to bed early.  It was 20 degrees that morning.  I got up, bundled up, and went over to register.  I asked if they were going to have a separate start for runners and walkers and was told it was a run only.  Strike 2.  I knew I couldn't run even 20 seconds of the race let alone 30 minutes.  Defeated, I went to my car and cried for a good 15 minutes.  I pulled it together and went inside and jumped on a treadmill.  I decided that at least I would walk a 5k on the treadmill.  It was the least I could do.  It was a slow, depressing walk that's for sure.  I went home afterwards and spent most of the day cuddled up with my dog feeling sorry for myself.

It really hit me a few months back.  I had to get a new primary care physician.  One of the many joys of moving so frequently is you don't establish any sort of relationship with a health care provider.  The first thing he said--and I mean THE FIRST thing he said -- was "we need to get you a referral to the bariatric surgeon."  Um, what?  Seriously?  It's that bad??  How about maybe introduce yourself and talk to me for 5 minutes before suggesting we mutilate my stomach, k?  Just an idea.  Asshole.  Then, he seemed shocked that I completely objected.  Since I was against cutting my stomach up and going through with a procedure that may or may not work, not to mention all the complications that come along with it, he decided to just write me a prescription for diet pills instead.  No thanks, dickhead.  If you can't tell, I wasn't impressed with this guy.  He didn't once suggest a nutritionist, exercise, or lifestyle modification.  Let's just chop your fucking stomach up.  Good call, jackass.  Someone please take away his medical license.

I decided I was going to sign up for the 90 Day Challenge at the gym.  Enrollment was only $25 bucks.  I've definitely invested higher amounts on much loftier goals that never saw any sort of action.  Like that 1/2 Marathon I ended up attending as a volunteer because I hadn't even been able to work my way up to a 5k.  So yesterday, I met with a trainer and had my initial weigh in.  346.6 lbs.  Yep.  You read that right.  I haven't decided yet if I'm even going to post this entry because I never ever in a million years wanted anyone to ever know what I really weigh in at.  I sat down and visited with Danielle, the trainer who set up my enrollment.  I guess I have been a lot more bothered by the whole thing than I thought because at one point I just started bawling.  I'm not a big crier, but this is clearly a touchy subject that I didn't realize was so touchy until I talked with her today.  So here I go again.  90 days.  The goal is 30 pounds.  Seems realistic.  Hopefully, I can stick with it this time.  I'm awesome at starting things.  Not so awesome at finishing them.  Wish me luck.  If you are reading along, please leave some encouragement.  Thanks Jen for the pep talk tonight.  I'm going to hold you to our 5k plan for later.  Love ya.